This never happens

Since next week is going to be crazy and I need a break after finishing one subjects homework I'll go ahead and get ahead Here is Memory Monday for next week.
This never happens. It's rare anyone in our typical group of friends besides Cara has a camera and takes pictures of me behind the camera. Why I'm not in alot of the photos we have! But this is classic.




Her post was $300 jeans, $200 uggs and she doesn't care because she's getting the best shot of our boys! Classic

Random Fun Facts

Well since I'm a day late, might as well be a dollar short...JK
Here's some randoms from the past several weeks and to not attract too much attention to any given issues I'll do it like this:

-Nelly has to walk her way not mine, we've been through this power struggle for over a week now and I won, but so did she! Couldn't imagine having a kid that would kick and scream at least she hides her excitement and stubborness behind her eyes

-School this semster I find somewhat boring compared to last semester. While I'm loosing some sleep and learning about process, I'm not happy about the lack of challenge and having to push myself harder even though I'm capable

-I tend to talk to all of my teachers. I have several classes with over 40 students and all of my teachers know me by name. Guess it's the personal contact I love so much and acting interested instead of bouncing out as soon as class is over

-School really is what you make of it. It can be amazing or hard, you can learn alot or barely pass, and you can learn who you are and want to be or just become a production non-licensed mule

-The peace and safe haven of Jeff and I's new place couldn't have come at a better time in our life and we love it

-I'm sick, really sick, stress is a trigger and I've had my fill, this new moving past stuff is helping alot considering school is speeding up now, but i'm having trouble dealing with it all in a public manner even with those closet to me

-People who assume drive me crazy, why can't you just come out and talk? What's the issue? Assumptions for others with you can be just as dangerous and hurtful in the long run and harm you just as much.

-The homeless are more and more in SD now that it's colder, breaks my heart

-I love people that make sacrifices for the less fortunate and take care of people who can't take care of themselves. Makes me want to start a business that helps people helping people and smack those who are self centered!

-I want to make a difference in my life, I want my purpose to stand for something large and be remembered as an amazing person in history and the lives of those I touch, not just live and die, I don't need to be famous celebrity style and have lots of money just have accomplished things that changed peoples lives for the better

-GQ cuddles make most things better on a daily bases, I love him

-I have found my deepest insecurity and surface fakeness from others as it could become public knowledge will disgust me while support and people litterally mothering me is exactly what i need. It's the one thing I can't conquer or handle on my own

-I'm baffled by some people that say "if you need anything let us know" but when you do they are no where to be found and never actually do anything to help what's the point to keep up appearances?

-GQ has officially marked his territory with nelly and rules the house, they had a scuffle the other day and nelly won't come near him

-I love my Inlaws, they are amazing and I'm so blessed to have close relationships with them and I'm thankful for everything they still continue to do for Jeff and I

-I'm more excited about hanging with Jeff and I's parents equally over the holidays and not think about school than anything else just relaxing and catching up! Spending time with people you love is the most rewarding thing one could have for the holidays

-Christmas is going to be alot of I Owe You's or hugs for our house. We aren't asking or interested in getting gifts and are going to give a select few. Poor student life has it's disadvantages

-I'm confident at times and reduced to feeling insecure when this 4 week goal comes to mind. I really hope I get the end result I'm looking for. It's alot of work but it will totally be worth it in the end

-I'm ready to get married, I'm tired of things getting in the way of Jeff and I joining our souls and paths forever. I really want to have an amazing and fun wedding with the important people in our lives and go through the process, but i also want to start our life as a married couple now. Fingers crossed with all the recent work we will be Mr and Mrs Jeff Benitez next fall or early spring 2011. I know it will be a blast and very different from your typical wedding for those around us and that's what I can't wait to get to along with calling him my husband and leaving my past in the past

- Being there for your friends even if it's dropping off their favorite things on your way to school is the best feeling in the world

-I surround myself with the strong, which makes us all stronger instead of enabling the weak to get weaker

-I love my sister Kat, She is my rock in so many ways and as she grows into learning who she is I love her even more

-Lily is also growing into being a teenager and at this point in my life I wish I had more time to spend with her growing closer. Guess that's apart of making them a priority instead of keeping up fake relationships for appearances

-Someone said this week and it's made a lasting impression on me "ARE YOU AN OPTION OR PRIORITY" WOW I'll leave you with this

Skipping the pleasantries

So this wed weekly update went on the private bog. But since I'm laughing my butt off on the train talking to my bf I'll post my thankful.

There are days when I don't choose subconsciously to realize there is anything even wrong with me. But you and I start our crazy talks and it all comes pouring out. You truthfully bring out the best in me and peace and clarity to my shuffled very fast I might add thoughts. I'm so thankful you put things in perspective and help sew my life back together as people and situations along with daily pressure I put myself in while attempting to conquer the impossible tear me apart at the seams. Your the light at the end of the tunnel and force that keeps me going. There are several people in my life that do this for me but know one knows the depths of me like you. Im so thankful for everything u do and while somethings seem to go unoticed know they don't and I will continue to try harder at reminding u of how truly amazing u are and important in my life! Ps poop throwing homeless ladies, monkeys at the zoo, peachy and awesome blossom will never be the same since I met u! M


-- Post From My iPhone

Gets me every time

All over my school sit these characters. And everyday at least once as they are all positioned like humans doing something real!
Thus they rate to be my very unique favorite photos.

-- Post From My iPhone

Balance comes with moving on

I've been struggling with this balance thing also for awhile and it seems after friday night out with the crew then yesterday mountain biking for the boys and then heading to the in laws to catch up today I'm on the homework train. But it feels amazing. I feel rested and happy and ready for the week and to rock my school stuff. I have a 4 week goal which will keep me really busy between the holidays and I have to stay focused which means this new attitude couldn't have come at a better time!

Choosing us

Today is a perfect example of jeff and I's decision to move past some relationships. We were asked to be in a wedding which I politely declined earlier that caused alot of drama in another friendship I hold in a much higher esteem. It was a life lesson to sit back and observe in less than a year someone create as much drama as possible around her to manipulate everyone to get what was best for her with little regard for the relationships that were strained while the rest of us sucked it up politely never really trading notes. The whole thing finally fell apart in las Vegas at a Bach party and I can honestly say I saw first hand how one person attempting to pit everyone against each other by talking behind their backs but appearing to look clean and perfect herself finally backfired in her face. My best friend in Cali and I finally spoke against all the drama and moved past the crazy web she wove. I was so happy to see my real friendship survived because it was much deeper than this shallow fakeness.

So today, jeff, Richie, Lisa, and I are heading to a downhill mountain bike track so the boys can practice for a race next weekend. I'm not posting this to be bitter or mean or spiteful it's purely honest and open about my experience. We were so relieved to wake up this morning and realize we weren't going to be apart of a wedding but going to do something wevloce with people that are an amazing part of our life!

So an encouragement and reminder to myself to never be back here and the same to u guys!

Here r some pics I'll post more as my posts for the week but I loved these! Lisa and I hiked the mile to the Oakley jumps and the boys let us ride on their handle bars on the way back down the trais and on the road!!

-- Post From My iPhone

Fun Facts!

Nelly's New thing is not stepping on thresholds that stick up out of the concret or floor. She carefully and strategically hopes over them and when not sucessful limps with whatever foot touched them in the air....leaves me rolling in the floor every morning

-Waking up every morning in our house, even way less cluddered than we started this week, is an obsticle. I find myself calculating right left how many feet until my hand reaches a light outside of the bedroom so Jeff isn't woken up.

-I'm the Craigslist Queen this week. Sold something everyday and total cash recovered so far $625.00.

-GQ has no problem jumping back into his routine after being secluded for a few months. He is definetly the king of this house!

-I'm slowly receeding back into my private oasis with a less public life and wondering if its a good thing or too much of a good thing

-I kinda have an idea of what type of architecture I want to explore first

-I'm an easy going person. I have expectations that are set by myself or someone else but can easily go with the flow

-I intensely hate when people are inconsiderate and others get hurt...makes me want to build a fortress around them and protect them

-I overbook myself constantly and am going to stop and meet the least amount of expectations giving myself room for error

Peace

Tonight we delivered and setup a bed that I sold, i ran home and made an amazing white wine sauce fetta sauce with broc, and chicken and the boys are playing video games and i'm catching up on my shows. I love this peaceful feeling! See Peace comes back when you fight for it and how fitting the greys anatomy episodes i'm watching is "give peace a chance"....Ahhhhh M

Putting my foot down and moving past YOU!

I have talked so much lately privately and publicly about peace and striving so hard to keep it. It's amazing to me how every part of my life is very well planned I can tell, there's no denying it. It's completely out of my hands and daily as we make informed decisions it seems the next thing rolls around because we would have made the wrong decision had it came sooner. Lately I'll leave you with this feeling I've struggled with in the past few weeks. It's a feeling of severe pain and hurt along with disappointment.

I'll continue to be vague on here which is best for Jeff and I, but we have been through alot together in our three years. We are really excited to have our new place, routine every week and have found this place together that has finally settled down, but these disruptions are hard to face.

Everytime I look up or peak outside of this sanctuary, it seems outside of school, our closest friends and my family and Jeff's parents it seems there is so many arrows being thrown at us. Whether its his job, or relationships that we have struggled with since we have been together or recently its like sailing the worst seas possible. We finally sat down last night and talked and I will just leave you with this.

I'm worn down (you win) in so many relationships in my life and our life that I'm choosing to walk away from the painful reality that things will never change no matter how hard I try, how much time and energy I invest or money I spend my heart is no longer in these relationships. I no longer have the time, energy, and emotion to play the games, fill the part of just trying to get along for the sake of everyone else's comfortability. I've seen alot of people for who they are and they have yet to prove me wrong in my original 30 min evaluation although I have been EXTREMELY mature, open minded and have given these relationships more than my important ones. I have sacrificed school project time, sleep, time and date nights with Jeff, time with my sisters and family, and time with my best friends all for the sake of getting slapped across the face and stabbed in the back time and time again. I will no longer tolerate the disrespect, participate in the games or invest time and energy into them. This is not one relationship it's many. If you feel guilty right now you probably are because I know several of you stalk my blog. So I'm putting this on here instead of privately with the advice of many adults and wise people that I respect and I'm telling you all.

I've given you time, energy, money, and made alot of sacrifices getting to know you, supporting you, and being there on my best behavior while you have done nothing but pick me apart, talk behind my back, encourage other people to have nothing to do with me making you look better by deceiving and lying your way out of things pointing the finger at me because it's convenient and I'm no longer interested in your fake bullshit relationships and being apart of it. I'm not interested in your making issues in my rock solid friendships and life long partner relationship or you being the topic of conversation in me asking for advice to turn things around. While you all think your perfect life is right around the corner you will shortly see your demise. You will see that being fake and having the world centered around you is ending and the bitter truth is you will be lonely. It may take weeks, it might take years, but your picture perfect world you project is crap and the curtain will unveil it all to the rest of us soon enough. If you are questioning your involvement in this then you are guilty FYI. Again it's not one person it's many and this is the last time I will post this or give it any more thought, emotion, or time PERIOD.

My focus from this day forward is the important people in our lives that give us what we give them back. Not the ones who treat us with little thought or respect but demand very verbally their own respect. I'm done with you, I'll be cordial and make appearances seem that way but my heart is no longer availible it's finished!
M

Halloween and the Homeless

So for halloween Jeff and I stayed mellow. I had to attempt my first Isometric Exploded Axon drawing and it took me about 12 hours total. Thank god the 2nd one I did only took 5 since I had the ropes memorized after the first one. Note to self...always start projects on the computer so you can do one drawing and the computer does the rest...good time management...then I could have traced them. IE My next project will be hand drawn but not originally. So I didn't dress up for school of course and I'm glad I didn't. The poor people who's minds have taken hold of them more they see where freaking out on halloween! IE Don't dress up and ride public transportation. PERIOD!

So I'm riding the trolley and this lady is screaming at everyone around her saying "don't look at me" Don't look at her" she said you don't like me" "FU I don't care" Over and over....then she ripped this girls wig off and ran off the trolley. Next was the walk from the trolley stop to school where I received a police escort across the street because there was an incident with a gentlemen I have seen many times that appears if you listen to be stuck in a math formula he repeats over and over...who apparently didn't like this creepy costume another student had on and hit him and tried to run. Not sure exactly that outcome but I thought WOW I'm glad I didn't dress up. Now mind you I'm not really afraid and I know I share the crazy stuff on the public transport system that makes people not every want to take it, but it's actually entertaining and enlighting...so don't freak out. Just thought I'd share! All in a days travel and very entertaining.